Don’t ask me how I got this, but I recently gained access to an archive of future AP articles. I vowed I would only use this access for good. I refused to pull a Biff from “Back to the Future” and profit from it. Anyway, enjoy the compilation.Monday, September 21, 2009
After winning a close game over the Detroit Lions at Ford Field, the Vikings sit at a perfect 2-0. Recently unretired Brett Favre led the Vikings on a game-winning drive capped off by a 58 yard touchdown run by Adrian Peterson. Favre has totaled nearly 300 yards passing thus far with an impressive total of 2 TD passes, both play-action passes to Tight End Visanthe Shiancoe.
The conquering hero gave Vikings fans across the nation heart palpitations by announcing he was tired from the long game and was going to “retire”. It was later clarified that he said he was going to “retire for the night”, but the microphone cut out.
Rachel Nichols spent Monday, the Vikings off-day, in front of Favre’s rented house in Chaska hoping for some sign that Favre would return to the practice field on Tuesday. As a symbolic gesture, a concerned Zygi Wilf offered his private jet to fly Favre the nearly ten miles to Winter Park, the Vikings practice facility in nearby Eden Prairie. But Favre opted to ride into town in Vikings Head Coach Brad Childress’s black Cadillac Escalade as he had during his grand, first entrance as a Viking.
Tens of thousands of chanting Vikings fans lined the road for miles to greet Favre and wish him well in the coming week….
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Despite jaw-dropping performances in his first three games, Brett Favre saved a little extra for his former team, the Green Bay Packers. He topped 200 yards passing and didn’t throw a single interception – both firsts on the year. He was carried off the field by his offensive line, who has embarrassingly given up a total of three sacks on the year. But Favre continues to motor on despite poor line play.
During the press conference after the game, Favre defended the intestinal fortitude of his disappointing running back, Adrian Peterson. Peterson had to leave the field for a series in the fourth quarter to receive fluids intravenously following his fourth TD run of the game. He apologized after the game saying, “I let the team down, the fans down, and most of all, I let [Brett] Favre down. It won’t happen again.”
Fans rushed out following the game to grab Favre away jerseys in preparation for the upcoming game in Green Bay. Brett Favre jerseys now sell at a rate of 2:1 over the next top seller. Befuddled NY Jets fans are still unsure of what to do with their precious relics.
Monday, October 19, 2009
After rushing out to an impressive 5-0, the Vikings lost a tough game to the visiting Baltimore Ravens 6-3. During the press conference, All-Pro Defensive End Jared Allen let the blame fall on his shoulders: “I thought I was playing my butt off but I guess I failed the team.” Allen, who has a league-high 12 sacks in five games didn’t sugarcoat his assessment of his game: “I flat out stunk it up. I’m going to look at the game film, have an O’Douls, and come back and hopefully get five sacks next game.” Allen promised that he’d turn his game around. If not, he said he would abandon his calf-roping sack celebration. “I don’t deserve to celebrate when I go out and lay an egg like that.”
Middle Linebacker E.J. Henderson wasn’t as critical of Allen. Henderson felt he should have had more than two tackles for losses and fifteen overall tackles in the game. When asked about his health he replied, “I feel great. I broke my foot last year and because I’m pain free, I assumed I was fully recovered. But I guess I was wrong.”
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Vikings quarterback Brett Favre told a reporter that he was suffering from a hangnail on his non-throwing hand prior to Tuesday’s practice at Winter Park. Within the hour, WebMD crashed due to increased traffic from concerned fans wondering if Favre would play on Sunday. All reports indicate that Favre is listed as Probable and should start despite his injury. “What a warrior,” said one admiring teammate…
Monday, November 2, 2009
The news of the Vikings victory over the Green Bay Packers at Lambeau Field was overshadowed by Brett Favre’s announcement that he was retiring from football following the lopsided win over the ailing Packers. “I feel like I have given the game everything I got,” said a tearful Favre. He also wondered aloud whether he could make it through the grind of the bye week in order to finish the last 8 games of the season. “My heart is in the game. I know I can play and compete, but it’s time. It’s time for me to go home.”
The state of Minnesota declared Monday, November 2, a state holiday and mandated that all flags be flown at half mast for the rest of the year. Plans are already in the works for a Brett Favre statue to stand in the parking lot of the Mall of America. The cities of Bemidji and Brainerd have toppled their Paul Bunyan statues – Saddam Hussein-style and have erected impromptu likenesses of Favre in their place.
Monday, November 16, 2009
An awkward and embarrassing injury has created the unlikeliest of heroes – one who was there only in spirit. Sage Rosenfels, the de facto starting QB of the Vikings following the startling retirement of Brett Favre, let his name be praised, was so nervous about returning under center against the Detroit Lions that he forgot which arm he threw with. During the first drop back of the game, the confused Rosenfels spotted an open receiver, but continued to shuffle his feet, “…trying to remember what felt right,” explained Rosenfels after the game. The Lions defensive line converged on him, making a “Detroit Lions sandwich,” declared Lions defensive end, Jason Hunter.
Even without the presence of their top two quarterbacks, the Vikings managed to pull off the victory. Vikings head coach Brad Childress gave the game ball to the absent Favre. “Brett Favre influence on this team continues in his absence. We couldn’t have won the game without him.”
A miserable Rosenfels speculated that he’d be back on the field by the end of the season. “Crazy as it sounds, we have to learn how to win without Favre. That’s all there is to it,” said a sober-faced Rosenfels.
The Vikings take their 8-1 record into Seattle this weekend but their confidence level has never been lower…
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
ESPN’s Chris Mortensen is reporting that Brett Favre is considering a comeback. Apparently he’s been talking to some close friends about returning to the NFL. Calls to his agent, Bus Cook have not been returned.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
ESPN’s John Clayton is near verifying the claims of colleague Chris Mortensen that Brett Favre is considering a comeback to the NFL. Favre has been seen around the local high school. One observer in his hometown of Hattiesburg, Mississippi claimed he was “moping around complaining that the high school football season was over and he had no high school kids to throw to”. These comments have not been confirmed.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
The blogosphere is abuzz about the return of Brett Favre. It is reported that Zygi Wilf’s private plane is currently in the air on its way to Minnesota. Governor Tim Pawlenty’s office is reporting that the plane has been given clearance to land on the highway in front of Winter Park. President Barack Obama called off a summit with the leaders of Iran and Israel to discuss the heavy, threatening rhetoric between the nations. According to one anonymous aid, the President is “glued to the tv” apparently waiting with bated breath to see if Favre really has returned.
A lifelong Bears fan, he has publicly switched his allegiances, declaring Favre “an amalgamation of Ghandi, Martin Luther King Jr., Henry David Thoreau, and Jesus”. He went on to say, “I know we’ve confirmed that Iran has, uh, attained nuclear status. They have, uh, pointed their weapons at the people of Israel and have a public countdown to launch. But this Favre stuff is, uh, important stuff. The situation in the Mideast is a grave concern to the White House, but we’ll deal with it when this Favre stuff blows over”
Friday, November 19, 2009
Vikings coach Brad Childress has announced that Brett Favre won’t be practicing today either. “He doesn’t need practice,” declared the coach. “Everyone else does, so we’re doing two-a-days both today and tomorrow”. The Minnesota Legislature came back from recess to pass a bipartisan bill that essentially gives the Vikings a blank check to build a new stadium for the Vikings, provided it is appropriately Favre themed.
Vikings running back Adrian Peterson, who is on pace for a paltry 2,500 yards this year told one reporter, “I just hope I can find a role to help Brett win”.
At Favre’s comeback news conference, he announced that he didn’t want to continue to ask the question, “what if”. “I just had to know if I still had it in me. ”
Stay tuned for more on the season that will be.
